13 jokes you’ll only find funny if you’re Scottish

13 jokes you’ll only find funny if you’re Scottish



1. A man goes into a shop to return a pair of shoes, complaining that there’s a lace missing…

Flickr: arekolek


2. What did the Glaswegian pair of conjoined twins call their autobiography?

dcthomson.co.uk / Via sundaypost.com


3. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist for a check up and he asks her to take a seat.

Flickr: the_justified_sinner


4. If there are ten cows in a field, which one is closest to Saudi Arabia?

Flickr: 67252883@N05

5. A lassie phones her dad after a night in the pub and says: “Can you come and pick me up? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.”

Flickr: 51018933@N08 / Creative Commons

6. After a couple announced their engagement, the groom-to-be tells his pal he will, obviously, be wearing a kilt to his wedding.

Flickr: jimmy_macdonald

7. How can you tell the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Flickr: saaste

8. A short-sighted Scotsman goes into a bakery, points to the counter and asks, “Is that a doughnut, or a meringue?”

Flickr: bunchofpants

9. Why did the chocolate bar melt?

Flickr: thomasbrauner

10. What’s the first question at a ned quiz night?

Flickr: og2t

11. A Scotsman in London on business is having trouble phoning home from a telephone box.

Flickr: markhillary

12. What’s the name for a Scotsman with one foot inside his house and one foot outside?

Flickr: ncreedplayer

13. There are two cows in a field, but how do you tell which one is on holiday?

Flickr: stanzebla

Thanks to ScotlandNow and Bruce Lawson for the jokes.