1. A man goes into a shop to return a pair of shoes, complaining that there’s a lace missing…
2. What did the Glaswegian pair of conjoined twins call their autobiography?
3. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist for a check up and he asks her to take a seat.
4. If there are ten cows in a field, which one is closest to Saudi Arabia?
5. A lassie phones her dad after a night in the pub and says: “Can you come and pick me up? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.”
Flickr: 51018933@N08 / Creative Commons
6. After a couple announced their engagement, the groom-to-be tells his pal he will, obviously, be wearing a kilt to his wedding.
7. How can you tell the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
8. A short-sighted Scotsman goes into a bakery, points to the counter and asks, “Is that a doughnut, or a meringue?”
9. Why did the chocolate bar melt?
10. What’s the first question at a ned quiz night?
11. A Scotsman in London on business is having trouble phoning home from a telephone box.
12. What’s the name for a Scotsman with one foot inside his house and one foot outside?
13. There are two cows in a field, but how do you tell which one is on holiday?